


Satan's Queer Daddy

by Jae201



Category: Christian Bible, Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, For research purposes, I'm sorry?, I'm taking this very seriously, M/M, Theres gonna be some naked and well fucked Jesus on here, Uhm, angels have penises, okay not very but seriously, so y'all christians, yes by canon I mean the Bible
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:27:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22689217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jae201/pseuds/Jae201
Summary: Satan ends up having to look after Jesus.Chaotic gayness ensues.
Relationships: Jesus Christ/Lucifer, Jesus Christ/Satan (Judeo-Christian)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 68





	1. A deal with the devil

“Master, what… are you doing?”

Lucifer looks up from where he’s sitting on the tatami mat, a leg over his own neck. “It’s called yoga, Ronald. You should try it sometime.”

Ronald looks thoroughly confused, and Lucifer decides that the demon is an ignorant buffoon. To frown like that to the wonders of yoga, utterly idiotic.

“If you are only here to judge my choice of hobby, I advice you to leave”

It sounded like a suggestion, but a suggestion it was not.

Ronald, not being that stupid after all, wakes out of his stupor and starts stuttering. “N-no, I’m not here for that. Your father, your father called.”

Lucifer stops midway as he attempts to put his other leg behind his neck. The humans called it the “pretzel,” and it was supposed to calm his frontal cortex. Or at least according to that website.

“Father called,” Lucifer deadpanned. Because Father never called. He then remembered the very justified fact that he was mad at him. “God called,” he re-states.

Ronald nodded, nervously. “Yes, my lord.”

Firstly, Lucifer felt dumbfounded. Then confused. Then mad.

“And I suppose you hanged up on him”

It was clearly a threat. Because if Ronald didn’t, Lucifer would— well, make one of his lackeys torture him for eternity.

Ronald gulped.

“I… didn’t”

Lucifer untwisted the pretzel and got on his feet.

“I- I mean, I couldn’t. He’s God! And-and h-he said he wanted you there!”

The Lord of the Underworld stopped in his tracks to murdering Ronald. “He wants me where?”

The demon wearily opened one of the eyes he had screwed shut. “Upstairs,” he said bleakly.

Father wanted him… Upstairs. After, what, entire millennia? Absurd.

He’s about to incinerate Ronald when he notices there’s no one there anymore. Sneaky bastard. Lucifer collapses on the floor. No, not the floor, the tatami mat. He would never sit on the floor. And he looks up, closes his eyes, and breathes in. The screams of the damned fill his ears, even inside the castle they can be heard, and he calms down incredibly.

Right, Ronald wouldn’t lie to him. No one here would lie to him, they fear him too much for that. Lucifer will still find him and kill him, of course. For sport. But Ronald wouldn’t have lied.

Meaning God had called for him.

Lucifer resists the urge of answering, he really does. But things are horribly dull lately, no one interesting has come down here since Michael Jackson. The human world is the same as it has always been (the internet being the only thing that has picked his interest in since forever). And torturing souls is not fun anymore.

So, Lucifer unfurls his wings, which feel sore from being tucked in for so long. And without thinking it twice, he flies up to Heaven.

The gates, surprisingly, are open.

“Ah, you have come, my dear Lucifer”

Father stands in front of the gates, arms stretched out. Lucifer thinks it’s in a sign of welcome, because it can’t be in the offer of an embrace.

“Do not call me that”

“What will I call you if not your name?”

“My name, as of late, is Satan. Or Devil, if you are feeling risky. I will not respond to anything else.”

God looks at him. Lucifer looks right back.

“I’ve missed you,” he says tiredly, earnestly. And Lucifer had been expecting anything, except that. He is, however, a really good actor, so he does not react to the words.

“Why have you called me here, I’m incredibly busy”

Lucifer is not.

God sighs, letting it go. “I seem to be in a bit of a problem. I asked you to come here so I could request your help face to face.”

Again, Lucifer was not expecting that.

Father continues, gesturing with his hand as though this is a really serious issue. Which it might be, if he’s requesting Lucifers help. “As you might know, fatherhood has befallen me. It is a rewarding experience, but exhausting. When the child at hand is going through a _phase_.”

He says the last word meaningfully, like Lucifer would know everything about rebellious phases when his had caused the downfall of humanity. Which Lucifer would _not_ classify as a phase. His behavior is anything but _juvenile,_ even back then he knew what he was doing.

“And how does this concern me?” Lucifer replies mildly. Not mentioning how fatherhood cannot befall someone who had been a father before that.

“I want you to take him with you”

Lucifer stares. “What?” He says, after a minute or two of silence.

“I want you to take him with you. Show him humanity for what it truly is. He seems to have gotten it in his head to go down there and help them. He calls me unfair for having the power to change things and still do nothing. I want you to show him, the complicated nature of human kind. So that he sees that things are not as easy as they seem.”

Lucifer keeps staring. Because God just asked him to take his precious little son out of Heaven with him. Surely he’s heard wrong.

“What would I gain from this?” He asks instead.

“I will delay Armageddon”

“I do not need such thing”

God smirks, like the shit he is. “Are you sure you do not need more time to increase your numbers?”

“Our numbers are greater than yours”

God cocks an eyebrow. “Are you certain of this?”

It takes Lucifer a second but he lifts up his chin in confidence. “I am”

Father nods thoughtfully, as if considering this. “Then I cannot offer you anything else.”

Which means Lucifer can leave, because there’s nothing for him to gain here. Lucifer can leave and go back to Hell and hunt for Ronald and kill him in the most creative of ways. Lucifer can go back to slowly forming his army. He can go back to doing the same things he’s always done since the day he was cast out.

He could not, at the opportunity of divergence, take one more second of it.

“I will do it," he blurts out. "With the condition that I get the liberty of how to handle him.” Lucifer stands there, surprised at his own actions. It’s been a while, since he’d said something so impulsively.

Father doesn’t miss a beat. “No physical harm”

“I am not a savage,” he counters, crossing his arms. The nerve.

And that's when Father beams. The biggest of smiles, as though Lucifer was yet again that young, innocent angel he’d once been.

“Then, as the humans say, I believe we have a deal”

If God wasn't-- well, God, Lucifer would have thought the twinkle in his eye was _mischievous._ But as Lucifer seals his fate, he ignores it.

After all, no one can outwit Satan.


	2. Chapter 2

Lucifer hasn't been out of Hell in a couple of hundreds of years, which is not a lot. But he's been hanging in and out of there for more millennia than he can count. And for that, he forgets he's ever been anywhere else at all.

As his naked feet step on wet grass, the memory of a life past comes back to him as though it had never left.

_You will find him where everything began. He seems to have a thing for that place, he does not get out of there unless I personally call for him_

Leave it to Father to make everything a riddle.

Lucifer would be horribly irritated if it weren't for the fact that the riddle couldn't be easier. God, it seems, is loosing his charm.

The Garden of Eden is just as beautiful as the day he left it, emptier as well. With Adam suffering in Hell and Eve— well, Eve found a way of being resurrected. Lucifer always had a soft spot for her. He shakes away those thoughts, he'll find time to look for her and drag her down again. He can't just let her loose forever, Father is sure to do something about it sooner or later. Lucifer would prefer to win and get to her first.

His feet move on his own, and before he knows it, Lucifer's standing in front of a tree. The tree. He knows he should be looking for the brat, but it's been so long. If the doors to the garden hadn't been closed to him that day, he wouldn't have left it. He would have stayed here for eternity. Even in his hatred with God Lucifer admits, the garden is one of his most magnificent creations.

"Hello, I hope you have been well," he greets softly, putting a hand flat on the tree's bark. Wind rushes through and makes its leaves sing; calm and peaceful. Like back then. Lucifer can't help the small smile that braces his lips.

"You do know trees cannot talk"

The voice sounds confused, but it is loud in its quietness, breaking through the peacefulness. Lucifer is not startled by it, but his smile drops, as does his hand. He turns around to the source of the disturbance.

"I am aware," he says calmly to the man, who's looking at him with unmasked curiosity. Like a child who's never seen a fish before.

"Then why are you speaking to it?"

Lucifer looks at him. White gown and shoulder length brown hair. No wings. His physical appearance is young, around the human twenties, though beings like them do not age. And he is, for a lack of a better word, breathtaking in his simplicity.

The Son of God is merely a child.

"I am speaking to it because there are words that do not require a response"

The man tilts his head. "You sound like Father."

Lucifer never thought he'd see the day.

The man eyes him, surely distraught by Lucifer's black gown. Kind of cliche, Lucifer knows, but it is about the message.

"I surely hope I do not, I am much too good to stoop that low. For someone all powerful, he does say some very idiotic things"

The man in front of him opens his eyes so wide they seem like they will pop out. Lucifer simply surveys his nails with a nonchalant air. After a moment of utter silence, he decides he might've broken the guy and sits down on the grass next to the tree. He leans back on the bark and closes his eyes. After a moment, he hears the sound of grass being stepped on. And then a presence sitting next to him.

"He will punish you," the man says, a mere whisper.

Lucifer doesn't open his eyes. "For what?"

"Blasphemy"

And wow, Lucifer hasn't heard something so funny in a _while._

So he laughs.

"I'd like to see that old man try"

The guy goes rigid next to him.

"You could do it too, you know? You are here with me. He can't do anything to you, pretty boy," the human phrase escapes Lucifer's lips on its own. And he slowly opens his eyes, turning his head so he can see the guy's reaction.

"Do what?" The other asks carefully, but looking at Lucifer intently.

Lucifer leans closer, until his lips are a mere inch away from the man's ear. "Call him out on his bullshit."

He leans back in time to see the look of wonder and fear in the man's expression. The look of _temptation_. Then he stands up abruptly, backing away from Lucifer, like he had just woken up from a spell. To be fair, Lucifer had not used any sort of power on him, he is the Son of God after all.

"Who are you?" The man asks suspiciously, eyeing Lucifer wearily, Lucifer would almost say fearfully. But there's that look there again. Of wonder.

This might not be so boring after all.

Lucifer smirks and stands up, dusting his hands on his gown. "Well, I am many things. But I believe you would know me as Satan, the Ruler of Demons. King of Hell."

The man stares.

"Lucifer... the Son of Morning," he gapes.

"As I said, many things"

"It can't be true"

Lucifer smiles. "Why is that?"

"Because Father would never let you in here"

"But he did. For you, specifically"

The man stops, and Lucifer steps closer to him. "You are going to take me," he realizes. But he doesn't look at all bothered by the idea, he looks... thrilled. He looks up at Lucifer, and he's smiling now, a giddy kind of smile. "You are going to take me with you."

And consider Lucifer fucking confused. The guy should be terrified, calling out to daddy. But no, he's standing there, looking _excited_ that the very Satan will snatch him up from Heaven to god knows where.

"I am," but then Lucifer reconsiders, because he doesn't like feeling at a loss. And the fact that the guy isn't scared of him _is_ a loss. So he has to make up for it. "But later."

The Son of God's face falls. "Why later? We should leave now."

Lucifer shrugs and walks past the kicked puppy of a man. "We'll leave whenever I want us to leave."


	3. Chapter 3

Ever since he was created, Jesus has heard the stories. Stories, not story mind you, because there were multiple versions of it. Angels had big mouths, after all. And with God never commenting on the events, there was no real way for Jesus to know what version was the most accurate.

However, no matter the differing tales of who did what and what said who, every angel in heaven knew of The War. The War that had moved heaven and earth. And everyone knew of the Devil, the evil one. The one that had brought upon division, and who thought himself better than God. That one who fell.

Everyone knew the stories. Because they were true.

And so, Jesus knew about Satan. Because everyone in Heaven and Earth did. He was raised (if such a thing was possible for a being such as him) hearing of him. Of his vanity, his arrogance. How all of that brought upon his downfall. Lucifer, the son of morning, who brought sin upon humanity. Who tainted God’s creations.

All suffering was due to him.

Jesus knew, he’d heard. But the thing about Jesus was that, when other’s felt repulsion and disdain when telling or hearing the stories, Jesus felt— curious.It was an atrocity, all of that. Humans didn’t deserve that, and anyone who disobeys his Father in such a way deserves all that comes to them. Lucifer, in Jesus’ book, for all intents and purposes could rot in hell. But, his actions were curious. It was _interesting_.

That among peacefulness and perfection there was— more.

“But why,” Jesus whines again. Whines. Lucifer has had it up to here.

“Because I say so”

“God would want you to take me to Earth right away”

Lucifer rounds up on him, ceasing the walking, irritation boiling in his veins. “I don’t care what God wants,” Lucifer says, deathly calm.

Jesus crosses his arms on his chest, leveling him with his stare. “Well, you should.”

Lucifer had never felt the need to strangle someone as strongly as he felt it now.

He takes a step towards the little shit, who for some fucking reason found it in himself to bother Lucifer beyond believe after the latter told him he would take him to earth whenever he pleased. “There are lines you will not want to cross with me, little boy. I’m not your Father. And although I promised him your physical safety I will not hesitate to cut out your tongue if need be.”

At Lucifer’s cold words, Jesus doesn’t flinch. Lucifer’ll give him that. But he does go dead white.

Now, fear. Lucifer could handle that.

Jesus clears his throat. “And you wouldn’t have to cut out my tongue, if you didn’t pretend to make as idiotic a choice as to delay showing me the human world.” He clears his throat again, and avoids Lucifer’s eyes. His words would go as confident weren’t for the fact that his face was still pale as a sheet. “And I’m not a little boy,” he adds, fleetingly meeting Lucifer’s eyes before his gaze nervously fluttered away from him.

Lucifer gapes at the body in front of him, which in the future he’ll deny to have done. “Idiotic…” he repeats, too stunned to say anything else. “Idiotic” he repeats again, stronger. No one calls Satan _idiotic._

Lucifer’s about to, you know, murder Jesus Christ, when a bleak voice interrupts him.

_‘M-master…’_

Lucifer looks up at nothing at hearing Ronald’s voice in his head. The mind link not hiding the ever present nervousness in the demon’s voice.

Lucifer rage just doubles at that.

“Ronald, I swear that if you’re calling me for anything that is not an emergency I will hunt you down and offer Cerberus your insides on a silver platter.”

If it was possible, Jesus pales even more.

_‘M-m-master, I-I-I—'_

“I will count to three”

_‘D-death sir. Death is here!’_

Lucifer’s rage comes to a halt.

“Death? Death is _where_ Ronald?” He asks sternly, already turning away from the peaceful lake he was directing himself to. It seems fate hadn’t wanted him there. First the brat, now this.

_‘H-here. W-waiting by the gates. He’s asking for y-you’_

Lucifer immediately cuts off the link. Cursing under his breath.

“Where are we going?” An agitated voice asks next to him, trying to pick up with him. And that’s when Lucifer remembers he’s still with the brat. In fact, he’s stuck with the brat. Because he accepted to help _God,_ of all people. What had gotten into Lucifer?

“Hell,” he says, before taking the hand of the son of God and vanishing away.

~~~

When they arrive, Ronald is pacing nervously inside the castle.

“Where is he?”

The demon startles, his eyes fluttering to Lucifer. Then Jesus. A small frown forms on his face, before a strong _Ronald_ from Satan brings back his attention to the problem at hand.

“Where. _Is. He?”_ Lucifer asks again, eyes meaningfully widening a fraction with each word. Ronald starts stuttering.

“S-still by t-the g-gates sir”

Lucifer turns around, heading to the massive double doors that lead to the outside of the castle.

“Er”

A distinct voice reminds him that yes. He’d forgotten about _him_ again.

Jesus Christ stands in the middle of the great hall, looking out of place and considerably _small_ amongst the European, middle age decor. His eyes are everywhere, the torches, the floating lights by the ceiling, that lion head hanging on the wall. It would look like he was shrinking in on himself, weren’t it for how _fascinated_ he looks. It seems he can’t decide on whether to be scared, or excited.

Lucifer doesn’t have time for this.

With the flick of a hand, Jesus is being dragged towards Lucifer. As though with an invisible rope. He lets out a yelp of surprise. And then he stops right beside him. Looking at Lucifer with wide, terrified eyes.

“Don’t get left behind. The gargoyles enjoy tormenting lost souls”

And then they’re gone.

Jesus is quiet all the way to the gates. His eyes eating everything up as though he had never seen anything of the sort before. Which Lucifer supposes he hasn’t, never having gotten out of heaven and all. The gargoyles thankfully just hover above them, not daring to bother them in fear of Lucifer.

“Are they demons?” Jesus asks, looking up at them.

“Of a sort, yes.”

Soon enough they’re at the gates, and they open as though waiting for their master. A few meters away, Cerberus is growling at a hooded figure, with five different souls floating behind him.

Jesus just stands there, staring at Cerberus.

“It seems you haven’t taught him manners yet,” the figure says to Lucifer, crossing his arms on his chest. Lucifer places a hand on the dog’s leg, that is as big as him, and Cerberus stops growling. All three of his heads calm down, taking out their tongue and moving their tail in excitement. It’s been a while, since Lucifer has gotten out of the castle and given them some attention.

Behind him, Jesus’ eyes go to Lucifer’s hand, then at the panting Cerberus. It looks as though he can’t process what he’s seeing.

“It’s his job. Reapers aren’t suppose to come in through here. Which begs the question, what brings about this pleasant surprise? You doing your job, that’s a new one,” Lucifer eyes the five souls hovering next to Death. Their eyes stare away at nothing.

“Glad to know you missed me too. Look, we have a problem. People are dying."

Oh, Death is stupider than Lucifer remembers.

“Excellent deduction, if I say so myself.”

If nothing but blackness weren’t visible through the hood, Lucifer would say Death was rolling his eyes.

“People who aren’t meant to be dying. Not yet.”

“And how does that concern me?”

Death sighs, turning to look at the souls next to him. “In that I have a feeling your girl did it.”

Lucifer frowns. “My… girl,” he repeats, the words feeling foreign in his mouth.

“Yes, Eve. Remember her? You let her escape around twelve months ago. And now adult males, around the age of 25 to 27, are dying before their time. Being killed, to be more specific. And a normal human can’t kill someone before their time, that’s not how this works,” he sees the look of confusion in Lucifer’s face, and he sighs. “They all have long black hair, green eyes. Get the gist?” He says, motioning with a hand of bone at the entirety of Lucifer’s body, then at the souls.

“You think she’s calling to me,” Lucifer says slowly.

Death shrugs. “Wouldn’t be new”

Behind them, one of Cerberus’ heads have noticed Jesus. And he’s looking at him with curiosity, Jesus is staring right back.

“Where is she?” Lucifer asks. Not liking having to ask Death for something but having to do it anyway. He would’ve had to look for her anyway, now he just has to do it sooner.

“She’s in Italy right now,” and then, after a beat. “All she has killed are Italian men.”

There’s some silence between them, before Lucifer says. “I don’t look Italian.”

He could swear he sees Death smirk.

“I didn’t say you did”

“You implied it, with your eyes.”

“I don’t have eyes. I just think _she_ thinks you look Italian.”

“Well I don’t”

“I didn’t say you did. Do you have something against Italians?”

Lucifer huffs, turning to look somewhere else. “Of course not, I love their pasta.”

He hates this fucking guy.

By now Cerberus is smelling the general area around Jesus. He stares at him some more, before ducking his head. Jesus looks like a deer in headlights.

“Glad you haven’t changed, Luci. Look, just take care of this. Your laziness is making my job harder,” Death stands out his hand to the side, and his scythe appears in his bony hand.

Lucifer rolls his eyes, ready to make his leave. “It’s hardly harder when you’re still doing the same thing.”

Death turns to him, exasperated. “She’s not supposed to be there. It creates an imbalance. One that I’ll have to fix. I can’t even send one of my guys to do it for me. And you let her escape, so it’s your fault.”

Lucifer just wants to wring his neck, and tell him that managing souls is _not_ his job. It never was meant to be. But of course, Death doesn’t die, that’s one of the reasons Lucifer hates him so much. And a high pitched voice interrupts him before he can complain.

“A-ah, w-what do I do?” Jesus squeaks. One of Cerberus’ heads, Nelson, is pushing his big wet nose against Jesus’ chest. He… wants him to pet him. And he whines when all Jesus does is stand still as a rock and put up his hands in the air, not knowing what to do.

Death stops in his way to leaving.

Great.

“That’s new,” he says, looking at Jesus as he squirms under Nelson ministrations. Lucifer groans internally, because the Lord of the Underworld _does not_ groan out loud.

“It’s none of your concern”

Death waves him off, making his way towards Jesus.

Nelson stops trying to make Jesus pet him and growls deeply at Death. Showing his teeth. The other two heads follow and Jesus looks like he’s going to pass out.

And that. That would be a sight to see. But against his better judgement Lucifer goes forth and puts a placating hand against Cerberus, calming him. Death gets closer.

Lucifer sighs. “Death, this is—”

“The son of God,” Death finishes for him, looking at Jesus intently. Now that Nelson is not paying attention to him, Jesus has enough mental capacity to return Death’s attention.

“And you are…” Jesus asks, as though he wasn’t about to faint a second before. He eyes Death, like he eyes everything else. With such a deep curiosity it is a wonder he stayed his entire life in heaven and never went to see the wonders of the world himself. It’s like he wants to engrave it in his mind, everything he sees.

Death makes a motion, as though tipping an invisible hat. “Death, at your service.”

Jesus stares at him.

“You… kill people.”

“I guide their souls. When their destination is not as pleasant as that up above. A light in the darkness, I like to consider myself.”

Lucifer mumbles, “When he’s not letting the Reapers do it all for him.”

Both of them ignore him.

Jesus eyes go to the scythe in Death’s grip, then at the hands made of bone holding it. “Are you an angel? Father has never spoken of you,” he says, frowning slightly. But the beginnings of a smile tug at his lips. His hands move at his sides, as though he wants to touch it. The scythe, Death, anything. But he contains himself.

Death laughs. “Oh no, I was not created. Not by him, not by anyone.”

Jesus looks up at him, his smile dropping. “That can’t be. Everything is created. Except God.”

Lucifer’s mouth move _Except God,_ with a mocking tilt to his lip.

“There can’t be two like Him”

“There isn’t,” Death says, seemingly not offended at the implication that he’s a liar. “I am no god, I just am.” It seems he's going to say more, but then he’s looking at the watch on his wrist. “Oh, I’m sorry to cut this short, but I have dinner with Tina at eight.”

He makes to leave, then he turns back. “A pleasure to meet you, Son of God. I hope you enjoy your visit to Earth.”

Jesus blinks.

“It was pleasure to make your acquaintance as well, Death,” he gets out. And if Death had a face, he would be smiling.

“Please call me Jim”

And then he’s gone, leaving a Jesus and five souls behind.

“He’s never told _me_ to call him Jim,” Lucifer mumbles, almost inaudible, already tying the souls with a rope and dragging them inside.

Death’s head pops out into existence, Jesus jumps. “That’s because I never liked you.” Then he’s gone again.

Nelson licks Jesus long and hard across the face.

Jesus faints.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, after ages, there's a new chapter. To the two who are reading, lmao thank you, I have a feeling I won't abandon this. It's too fun to write.


End file.
